I served my country*

One of my classmates is a former Army Infantry officer and he was going on a rant about POGs. I realized that I have this kind of reverse-PTSD, for lack of a better term, about my service. I feel ashamed that, while I served honorably in the Marine Corps for five years, I never deployed. I sat safely at a desk for five years while my brothers and sisters travelled half way around the world and suffered the pain of imminent danger and the deprivation of home and family. I am embarrassed to tell people I served, not because I was admin, but because I have to tell people that I never deployed. I feel like I have to add an asterisk to my service. Yes, I volunteered my life for my country; yes, I would have gone had I been ordered; but I was never given the opportunity. I never deployed. I was a secretary that knew how to use an assault rifle. Yes, my work was important and I helped a lot of people with issues that substantially impacted their lives, but I never went. I never had that experience, and as such I can't quite empathize with those who have; I am set apart from those who have seen combat, even those who sat on the FOB the whole time. I should be proud of my service, in it's entirety, with no caveats or explanations, apologies or sub-clauses.

I am beginning to suspect that this might be part of the reason why I want to come back in to the service as a JAG officer. I seem to be drawn to things that make my life more difficult. It's almost like either I enjoy the misery or I feel like I ought to be punished for something. I tend to give all of myself to others, and leave nothing for myself. Returning to the service would give me another chance to serve my country and my brothers and sisters for real. Not just from behind a desk. I could do something real. I've thought about becoming a police officer to get that same feeling of reality. I've thought about joining a federal service. Everything I want to do involves the kind of work that wreaks havoc on your personal life and relationships. The kind of work that takes you away from all that. I have to ask myself why that is. Is it because I feel like I don't know how to have personal relationships? Is it because I feel like I find a way to destroy the good ones that I find? Maybe. I have had one serious relationship, and, though I know it wasn't completely my fault, I feel that I played a major role in it's ultimate failure. If I throw myself into a job that takes the possibility of deeper relationships out of the picture, then I can't destroy them. What a lonely existence that is. I don't want to be that person.